Tough Decisions...

I have had things swirling around in my head for quite some time regarding the second run. The issue has been this: where Firstborn left me after the show was a damaged place. What I need to feel whole, creative and functional wasn't necessarily supplied by he original show; although I realize that the show was helpful to many of the people that participated in and saw it.

I have been aware for sometime that the original show was immensely challenging for me; I also thought there would be a place where it would be worth it to "bootstrap" the 2nd run because of who the show would serve. I had to go back to my original intentions; this was supposed to be a film so that it could be made and have a life of it's own in distribution. Live theater doesn't provide the space to be objective. Something is happening in front of you live, you are a part of it. I wasn't even proud of myself after the first show. I was just exhausted, depleted and depressed.

With the short show, the adapted show, it was different. I felt good, I felt proud of myself and ultimately understood what I was supposed to be feeling after the original show. It feels good to be hopeful again, and to be inspired. I'm looking forward to the new life the adapted show has inspired, especially since the story intentions still come across strongly - a family healing after trauma.

I feel very proud of myself for making this tough decision, and am excited about creating more works.

After the festival...

today was awesome. i loved watching this show unfold. it was much less stressful than the bigger show, for so many reasons, and it really showed how much can be done with small space. it inspired me so much. the cast was so great, they really came together and hit all their marks. our word for today was PRECISION. and it was precise. i was so proud, especially to see the faces of my friends and family.

today's show made me so hopeful, it made me feel my purpose, and why i write and create. i haven't had that feeling in months. a man came up to me after the show and couldn't speak. he just sobbed and held my hand. it was so moving. next week (after i finish with my workshops) i'll have more news about moving forward on firstborn. now, i'm gonna take a nap... :)

10 days 'til the festival...

I feel good! Last night's rehearsal was very energetic; we got further along with character development and being present. As still a newer director, I find it encouraging to develop what I need from the actors. Many of these things just come with experience, so it's always nice to watch things work. When they aren't, it's good to observe and let what's needed organically develop; learning to trust my own instincts.

I am also very glad the depression is lifting. It makes me much more engaged with the cast and the process in general. As an artist, life is felt in HD; while others experience life in B&W with rabbit ears. Hi's are high and Low's can be low...but the heart is open wide and full of life and love.

Tonight is going to be about getting the actors to be in the moment, playing around with some choices...it's gonna be great.

11 days 'til the Festival...

Ahhh, it's getting close. We have a rehearsal tonight, and will be almost every night until the show. Overall, the show is going to be very different from the original show...mainly because of my understanding of playwriting vs. screenwriting now. The original show worked well; and you could tell that it was adapted from a screenplay.

But here, I am pretty excited about how the show is developing. It's also interesting to have a new cast member. It reminds me of cooking, having to incorporate a new ingredient (person) is like folding whipped cream into a batter...it needs to be done gently and mix until the batter is uniform.

I love this, I love what I do...I also love the people that I work with. I am grateful for the upcoming festival to showcase the talent we are unearthing.

31 Days 'til the Festival...

Feeling great this morning. Last night's rehearsal was very productive. The cast is really beginning to go deeper with the layers of their characters. I think we really had a breakthrough with Nika and Eli last night. Tonight we another rehearsal with Nika, Eli and Amir. Next week we have a couple of cast members out, but I have plenty of stuff for us to work on. I'll look for some more exercises for the cast to chew on. They do really well with it.

Feeling better...

As it stands now, I did need a break. I really got overwhelmed with where/how my life was and was unable to really move towards anything. I have had issues with depression in the past; so sometimes, I get to know the signs. Mostly I try to do something before it gets too bad.

June seemed like a lot emotionally. Although I really needed that time to prepare for the SF Festival; I have to be grateful that I am better and am able to get work done at this point. We had to replace our original Nika for the festival; I think Allena will do very well.

We all got together a few days ago at my house to read the script, there are only a few changes that I need to make. I think the cast is going to be awesome. My next steps are promotion, rehearsals and blocking.

The San Francisco Theater Festival

I'm very excited! We got accepted into the 2010 SF Theater fest. I have to adapt a one-act from the existing three-act. It's a great exercise/challenge that I'm up for right now. We decided to do the 2nd run in the fall, so we have some time to do some fundraising; which is clearly a critical part of the show's success at this point.

I plan to only use the family in the one-act, mainly to keep the story simple and clean. The first draft will be done by the weekend, then I'll have a reading, and make the changes needed. Oh, to be creative again!

Decisions, decisions, decisions

The last few weeks it seems that I have been in a real rut; something close to feeling a bit depressed. I usually chock it up to some kind of project post-partum, which I'm sure is a huge component. I really got to thinking and there was a bit of an apprehension on my part to do the second run as it stands; as we've planned, rather. The main thing being that I am still recovering financially from the show. There were a lot of things that went unpaid personally that I still have to catch up on.

Knowing that, knowing I will spend whatever resources I have to make firstborn happen; I must also become much better at one thing: Self-Care. I decided that it wasn't wise to push forward regardless of our financial situation. I needed to "run-and-jump" blindly with the last run; mainly because I needed to get the project out into the world. Now it is about precision; wisdom gained, and most importantly, efficiency.

I got a chance to get away for a day or two here and there. Got to sit by the ocean and have her calm my soul. Cool sea air brushing and tickling my face. Breathing deeply and filling my lungs with love. Then I came back home, and it didn't seem to be enough. As an artist, my mood swings don't surprise me, they are just uncomfortable sometimes. Vacillating between feeling VERY deeply to numbing myself so that I don't feel anything can be quite tiring. But I've been here before. It passes. It gets better. One day soon I'll have looked up and to my amazement the world will be in technicolor again. The flowers and birds singing; ladybugs landing on my shoulder. It's just the in-between that isn't fun...

88 days 'til Second Curtain...

Wow, it's been a real interesting last few weeks. I had to come to terms with really being burned out over all and extremely exhausted. I got a chance recently to just sleep by the water; something I needed so much. The next 88 days are going to be gone before I know it, but this time I really will relish the experience.

The thing with Firstborn in general, is that it really left me very raw and vulnerable. There were times during the last process that it was extremely healing for me; and other times when that vulnerability had really gotten exacerbated by other things going on. I think I needed some time to just be normal for a minute. To be in between; to not have to be a superwoman, be strong. I needed to cry; to let go, to emerge from the ashes.

This run, I feel stronger. I feel more grounded. I feel a little more rested. I know I have an immense amount of support. And overall, I am grateful to be able to do it again.

15 Days after curtain...

I'm pretty happy. I just confirmed the dates with the theater for the 2nd run; April 13-15th, & 20-22nd . My goal with this run is to tighten up the show; there are a few things that can be cut. Then to shorten the scene changes; or figure out a way to do away with them as much as possible. I have only one more cast member to contact about the dates.

Tomorrow, I update the website, put the online tickets on sale and then I do need some kind of vacation. I have a few days next week that I can get away hopefully. Still cleaning the house; spring cleaning. I still need rest; I'm pretty tired, but I think it'll be fine after I get a nice little vacation.

12 Days after Curtain...

It's early. It's been raining the last few days, making me a little creaky in my joints. I received a beautiful journal from the cast that they signed at the cast party Saturday. Very beautiful and thoughtful. We got word that the SF Theater festival is accepting applications for this August's festival. Shows are to be no longer than 30 minutes; but I think if we come up with a "preview" type show, we can promote for the second run. The main thing is to figure out how to tell a cohesive story in 30 minutes, possibly just the "set-up" so that folks will want to see the show.

We went over the receipts; and for limited financing, we did pretty good. No profit, but we didn't lose that much relatively speaking, either. Got some next steps to keep you posted on...

9 days after curtain...

It was such a nice party. We had a great time. I gave the cast their awards tonight, and the appreciation certificates for the crew. I also got a chance to really appreciate Klara for all the work and dedication that she's had on the project. I know over the years she's felt that she hasn't done much; but I told her that she was there at the critical times when I needed her. She showed up when I was scared and overwhelmed by this process. That's not nothing. She has been a great friend and hard worker; and I want her to know how much she has done for us. Handled the things that were difficult for me, gave time, resources, and more. It is really great to work with her.

My next personal steps are cleaning my house/purging unnecessary things; planning the next phase of the show, and writing the next story in the Midnight Series. Mostly, moving forward with my life. Firstborn has finished its first chapter. Oh the places we will go! Chapter two is on the horizon...

8 days after curtain...

I can breathe again. We finally went through all the finances and have gotten all our outstanding stuff situated. YAY! That was a huge source of stress for me. Now I feel like I can really party with the cast tonight. It's our cast party. I also got a chance to talk to the actor that I was crying about for not being able to do the next run; and it was good. We're in each other's Soul Circle. Family. That makes me feel so much better.

We wanted to do t-shirts and stuff for tonight, but it was still a little tight financially so, we have to wait. My next goals with the show are to revamp, tighten and get it up again, this time with a marketing team that can really get it out there and pack the house every night. I have an interview on Hard Knock Radio on Monday, pretty excited about that. I definitely am focusing on keeping our momentum; giving myself a chance to rest and recoup as well. I think I need a little weekend away, by the water for sure.

Tonight, we celebrate our successes; laugh at our mistakes, and connect again with the new family we've created.

Image: Lara Amin

5 days after curtain...

I feel all kindsa crazy. I feel like I didn't necessarily relish the play; or even take in that it was ACTUALLY happening. Then I found out my sister is really hurt about some of the stuff in the play. It's hard because I never wanted to hurt anyone. That makes me really sad. We haven't talked yet, but I hope to talk to her soon. I hope she knows how much I love her and how much she means to me. It's hard when there's even a little bit of your personal life in a fictionalized piece because people know who they are; but they may not know where they end/you & the character begin, and where the character is different.

I also found out a cast member won't be coming back for the second run; not because of anything personal, but their own life. I found myself very weepy about it, and still want to cry. I know things change and life is what it is...but I will really miss them, and their presence and interpretation of the character made the journey so much more enjoyable, especially during the tough times.

I'm not really sure what the rest of the week is going to be like. I went back to work, and am looking forward to the cast party this Saturday. I think I just need to be quiet and reflective more than anything else; and hopefully can acknowledge that I was able to reach one of my long-held goals.

3 days after curtain...

It finally hit me as we were packing up props and things last night...we put on a show. We did it. It happened. We all came together and were successful! What a phenomenal beginning becoming a better director. This time, I had so much more life experience to bring; and although I know the next run will still need some reworking and tweaking, I didn't let the show not being totally perfect stop me from putting something meaningful into the world. I didn't let the story being so personal and raw for me stop me either. I didn't let people's adverse reactions to the subject matter shut me down. So it is a lot. And I am grateful.

We've been asked to come back to the Black Rep, so I'll be keeping you posted on that and blogging the second run.

2 days after curtain...

Last night was amazing. We ran so much more smoothly than opening night. We also had made some changes to the show before we opened that were moving and startling last night with Roman and Daja. I'd love to have another run of the show in the very near future. I think we are just getting a momentum going and could really use another weekend run to get the show perfect.

My family was there. It was beautiful. My father, my mother, both my sisters and all my nieces. I didn't get all weepy opening night, but seeing my mom and dad out in the audience teary-eyed I almost lost it; but had made a pact with myself not to run my make-up...lol.

Another wonderful job by the cast. Today we have a Q&A with me and the cast. Looking forward to that. We lost a few audience members last night. Some at intermission, and some after the SCENE. I got to hear recounts of all kinds of reactions from different people. The best was just sitting in the audience and hearing people experience the show; hearing them laugh and cry, cheering for the family. It really moved me. I also see where I need to tweak things for the next run.

I am so grateful for this experience.

14 hours after Curtain...

First night down! It was an amazing thing! Full house of people, lotsa love in the room; familiar faces and surprise visits. I got a chance to connect with the cast before hand; I really wanted to give them their space before the show. I wanted them to know how much I appreciated all their dedication and love. I wanted them to know how much work they've done, and how proud I am of them. I had to let my little birds fly.

I didn't really know what to do with myself last night. I didn't want to be around the cast for fear of micro managing, I didn't want to be around the stage floor crew because they always got something going on that will drive me nuts; but they always fix it--so I definitely leave them to their own devices... I didn't want to mingle with audience too much. I felt like it was my birthday when I was little. I just wanted to read a book in my room by myself while everyone enjoyed the party.

The cast was so amazing. I sat in the audience and just watched all the work we had put in over the last 8 weeks pay off. There were a few lighting snafus the cast rolled with seamlessly; I knew they were there. I found out that the lighting crew can't hear the work on stage for the cues; and if the cast changes a cue they were used to, they get thrown off. Today: strong baby monitor for them.

The show is gonna be over before you know it, it's crazy. Come Monday, I'm having to work on our next run. Very exiting. Tonight my family comes.

Photo: Eduardo Soler

20 hours 'til curtain...

The last few days have been a gotdang show within themselves. I've laughed, cried, screamed (both out loud and at people), and been really grateful. Last night was the first and only night we had a FULL rehearsal with everything in place (yes, the day before the show). We stayed late last night to go through the whole show twice. I felt bad because so many of the cast work day jobs, but we needed to get it right. I didn't spend time tweaking the scenes, we just ran through it and I gave notes in between the first and second run through.

I must say that although Tuesday I was ready to give somebody a hard backhand (Ike Turner-style); and was really not trying to let anyone catch it undeservedly, it wasn't until Wednesday that I was able to really calm down. The set was ridiculously behind, and having to deal with difficult personalities was no fun. I didn't want to pull everything together at the last minute; but there were things out of my control that I had to get over quickly--even though I was really pissed.

One thing that has been challenging is the level of anxiety that I've had over the last few days. Bursting into tears during the day; being worried, but once I see the cast working wherever we have had to make do, they amaze me and remind me of all the work we did up until this point that's paying off now.

Most things have been taken care of outside the show. Klara and Darice have been awesome. My mother and sisters have been my backbone. My mom baked us a cake yesterday--so sweet. I can get a few hours sleep before I'm up and at it again.

This is really exciting!

5 days 'til curtain...

What a weekend! Oh my goodness...both productive and super emotional; but I am grateful for where we are now. Tonight we were on Qui's world, a blog radio station with Dee Dee (Claudine), LaToya (Daja), Derric (Amir) and Lisa (Multiple Roles). It was great to talk with the cast to prep for the show. It really was a boost in the arm after a challenging week. I really liked seeing the cast in action and talking about the roles and what the project means to them; and how it's impacted them.

This week was all about communication and decisions. The show was running long, so I had to cut some things and still may need to cut more. I got a chance to have sit-downs with each cast member Saturday and make sure they feel comfortable and connect with each person individually; which was long overdue. A couple of conversations the day before had really prompted me to go deeper with the cast and REALLY check in with them. Plus I think that on Thursday's rehearsal I had a lot of anxiety and was having to make adjustments about things that had not gone as planned.

This upcoming next few days are about being organized, promotions, tying up the loose ends on all the little things. I'm hoping my sleep will improve over the next few days as well. Oh my gosh, I need to my hair twisted soooo badly. And a pedicure.

8 days 'til Curtain...

I need new glasses. Maybe I should just clean them. Oh, okay, that's better. Got the outline for the programme done. Just need the last sponsor logos and "special thanks" names. Last night I was told that we have to use the upstairs room again tonight, because of the show that opens on Saturday. I know the other director, and my niece Marissa is in it; it's a little frustrating because we still have a good deal of work to do, and we were slated to have another tech rehearsal--which we really need. The main thing here is to stay calm and focused.

We'll have a couple of days to tighten and cut performances; then next week will be tech/dress and quick adaptation. Being flexible is necessary, as well as ensuring all of our needs are met.

We rehearsed the show last night, I tried to get through all the acts in two hours, but alas, it didn't happen. Tonight, we'll have a shorter warm up, then go right into Act III. From there, we'll go sequentially. Last night I needed the stage manager to be there to manage the props. My set builder hasn't been returning my calls since our missed meeting. Concerned. I believe we have to get a sound person back up; haven't seen or heard from the guy that's supposed to do it.

Marta, the costume designer, brought some clothes for some of the cast. She's really good at what she does and has made a difference in terms of the character looks. This show has a lot of costume changes.

I know we'll have great turnouts for the show. Just needing to breathe. All things are working in our favor.

9 days 'til curtain...

I am tired. Need more sleep. Yesterday, we had our first tech rehearsal and while I did "anticipate" it to be a little time-consuming and taxing on my nerves...dear lord...

The good news is that the cast has a natural flow and is doing great. I think once the set is built next Monday and they know all their entrances and exits, and any cuts I have to make for time; they will be spot on. We did a lot of work over the last couple of months; and that is really paying off.

The other things were that the house LIGHTING guy didn't show to the TECH rehearsal! (breathing) AND the set builder skipped an important meeting today, too. Thankfully, our stage manager's brother knows the board to do the lights. Then there was the sound...(help me lawd!) The actor's projections were good, I think I'll have to see about an overhead mic for the stage. That should be pretty easy. The sound cues are our next place of correction. I project that everything will be on point by Tuesday. I'm excited.

Today, my best friend Darice is coming up from L.A. It will be really nice to have her around. Today before rehearsal I have to start the program, start our next ad for the east bay express, make a list of things to get from Costco. Get some wine and sparkling juice...follow up about the radio shows, etc...

Everything I need is right within my reach, and comes to me freely. The ENTIRE Universe is conspiring for my good and the success of this show. Ashe!

12 Days 'til Curtain...

A lot is happening now; I have trainings this week at work. I have a crew meeting tomorrow at my house; and it's not clean. (Um, there's some anxiety) Then I have to finish the sound work tonight and stay off of my swollen ankle. I ate at mom's today she really made a great Easter meal. She made us a lemon cake for our rehearsal Saturday, too. she has been amazing supporter of me and the show. All of my family has. They've been terrific. I must say that I am truly blessed with the people that surround me.

Yesterday's rehearsal was very productive. We went through acts II and III fairly quickly; then we got a chance to get on the stage a little bit. We've been working in the green room for our rehearsals, so it was kinda like taking kids to the park after the rain stopped, they loved it. I enjoyed the intimacy of working in the room; and feel now is the time to put us on the stage. We all got a little punch-drunk after lunch; mostly everyone (myself included) was talking in a Jamaican accent--just silly...we had fun. We did a trust fall earlier in the day; not the one where you fall straight back, but the one where the group circles you and they gently push you from side to side. this is the first activity that I fully participated with the group in, too; I usually give the outline and observe them, ask questions or give directions. This was nice to participate in.

I'm just going to rest, and take care of things as they need to be.

14 Days 'til Curtain...

I woke up a little tired today. I still have a few things to do. Klara and I have to design the program, I have to finish the music. I'm gonna go over to my mom's to help her clean up for a little while. I have to go to Costco or Smart & Final for some snacks for tomorrow's rehearsal. I need to figure out what I'm gonna feed the cast for lunch...

Yesterday I wanted to KILL one of my cast members who will remain nameless; although I will say her character name rhymes with Mika, lol. She played an April Fool's joke telling me she wasn't coming to rehearsal. I was ready to flip a table over...seriously. Then she said "April Fool's" and I had to take my pretend blood pressure medicine, 'cause I was hot...

Speaking of flipping over tables, in Wednesday's rehearsal, we had been experimenting with Eli's reaction to the news about the girls. I told Clarence to just go for it. And he did! Very exciting! Right after that scene, it started hailing so hard, like all that energy brought down the hail. Amazing. We had to reel his reaction in a little bit after that; but over all, there is some AMAZING work happening. The characters are filling out and now adding layers of playfulness and comfort.

I'm reworking the ending now; as it stands now, it's too long. I need to tighten it up, so it doesn't linger so much. I do appreciate having a background in film and editing; I believe it has helped my sense of timing, and will contribute to this scene overall.

16 Days 'til curtain...

Two weeks...had a small meltdown yesterday. Called my Dad, we talked for a little bit. I melted because my brother wrote an article on facebook about my aunt, Barbara Jean. She was the most beautiful, loving person. She had a way of making everyone feel special; and really held the family together. He wrote this beautiful essay about his memory of her and Celine Dion's song "Because You Loved Me". All the family members who read it left notes of crying wherever they were.

Anyway, I thought about her and my uncle, Harry Benjamin and my aunt Bonnie Benjamin. I thought how I wouldn't be able to invite any of these people I love to my show. I thought about how much they supported me being an artist and different from the beginning. And, yes I know they will be there in spirit; but yesterday, it just hit me that I won't see them in the audience and I just started crying.

So I called my Dad, and was crying and trying to talk about it; probably sounding like a whining version of the Charlie Brown adults. But he talked to me and I took some breaths. It's interesting what makes you miss the people you lose. It's also important to have this work mean something to their memories.

I hope Uncle Harry, Aunt Bonnie and Aunt Bobbie know how much I love and miss them.

18 Days 'til Curtain...

(deep sigh)...I love Spring. I love the newness it brings. I love to know the winter's over. The winter is important; and it's difficult most times, so it's always a great thing for me when it's over.

I have a lot of things going on today; prepping for this week's rehearsals, sending off the ad for the East Bay Express, and making sure all the sound stuff is taken care of. Do some more recording tomorrow, check in with places for our radio shows.

There's a lot of things that are done. The biggest thing now is keeping all our costs down. I have to send the cast their links to their comp tickets...I struck a good balance between work and rest this weekend. I am feeling better physically, so that is immensely helpful. I even cooked and cleaned over the weekend! Man, I am doin' big thangs!! (lol) Next week are our tech rehearsals. Feeling good. Feeling good.

22 Days 'til Curtain...

Tonight's rehearsal was disappointing, but still productive. Two key cast members were out tonight. One was just a no-show and the other got stranded out of town. I did appreciate the call; it was early enough to make adjustments, but then after the other actor didn't show, there was only so much we could do.

The good thing is that we got the recordings done for the most part. Two recordings I needed to do: the answering machine stuff, and the voice montage that Audrey has. We also needed to do the family recordings, but that will have to be done in two parts. The Audrey stuff came out great. Our producer, Klara let me use her laptop with garage band on it. It's been difficult to get the cast all together to do it, so I had to cancel some studio time; so thank goodness for Garage Band.

My next tasks are getting the word out, loose ends, sending out the VIP tickets to the some long time supporters and clean the kitchen and the living room. Oh, the life of an artist...

23 Days 'til Curtain...

Tonight was so exciting! Firstly, I get so moved when the family has their critical scenes together. The chemistry between Eli and Nika is really intense and amazing. I loved watching them work tonight. In the story, they are just two people who can be so much alike that they get on each other's last nerve. So I like seeing that dynamic play out.

We also had the fight choreography tonight. Exciting! Thandiwe is doing such a great job with the cast on their falls and tussling. When it all played out today, it was like "wow!" A couple of times I got so nervous because it all seemed so real. Tomorrow we work on some more powerful, emotional family scenes.

Everyday I wake up I realize how much I love what I am doing. Everyday I give thanks for being able to do what I love. Everyday I give thanks for having an awesome team of people who help me realize this vision. Ashe

24 Days 'til Curtain...

Little over three weeks. Man, it's getting really close. Good rehearsal tonight, we are going through the 3rd Act now. Everyday it's an adventure in seeing what the cast will bring to the table and what their process is individually.

Sometimes the cast gets the giggles. Sometimes I get peeved by it, but for the most part I remember the giggles. I just send them out if they get too giggly. They played well today during the warm up until a cast member got hurt. I felt like a mother who left her kids unsupervised to have a "grown up" conversation (with Wardrobe). I felt so bad...I definitely can't have anyone getting hurt.

Tomorrow we get into some of the resolution scenes. I think it's gonna be really fun. Thandiwe is choreographing the fight scenes. We went over that last night. I'm really excited about that. I'll be happier when we have a few more ticket sales. But folks are really excited, hell I'm really excited!

27 days 'til Curtain...

Long day today. Good day, but long. Today was the first day the cast was off book. I felt prepared for it; mainly because in his book, "A Sense of Direction", William Ball lets new Directors know which days are going to be a little discombobulated--the first day off of book, and the first tech rehearsal.

Even still, the cast did some great work. Very proud. I felt a tad bit scattered, but I think as I relinquish my need to have my hands in EVERY SINGLE THING, even that will get better. For instance, while I do need to make sure the cast/crew is fed; delegation is more in order. I'm getting better at it. I know it's mainly because I want my people to be taken care of, and I want them to know how much I appreciate them.

We went through some basic blocking; and we are just a little under four weeks away from our opening, so there is a good amount of room for them to get more familiar with things. Tuesday we begin the 3rd Act. I feel like we've gotten very far and things are going to go into hyperdrive (in a calm way) over the next few weeks, getting everything together. It's mainly the loose ends.

The next things we have to do are: finish wardrobe, get the recordings done, put together the soundscape, build the set, promote our asses off, and get some rest :)

29 Days 'til Curtain...

Tonight hit me. We were rehearsing the second act, and it's like I didn't prepare myself for the Roman/Daja scene; or even just brushed it off, and when it happened I almost broke into tears. For that small minute, it was all too much.

I had talked about the scene with both Andre (Roman) and LaToya (Daja) both last night and before tonight's rehearsal; but something was a big deal tonight. I held it together and pushed through. When the work created is even loosely based on your life, it still has these moments of ringing truth that I just have to sit with sometimes. I have to move past the "Should I even do this?" and "What if I tell it?" mind mazes that get me caught up sometimes. I turned to the work. I had to listen to what the work itself is calling for, and made that the focus instead of how the moment was affecting me. We worked on some different choices with both characters and I really like what they brought to the scene.

All of it has been a lot of work. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. Mainly because I need to do this. This work needs to be out in the world; it needs to be told. I need to tell it. I want to tell it.

I got a chance to see some of the footage from last night's behind-the-scene recording; I smile when I see the cast working so hard and improving. It's a good feeling. This Saturday, we go over the 1st and 2nd Acts. Tomorrow, I'll be relatively low-key and prepare for Saturday.

30 Days 'til Curtain...

I am in love. Deeply and fully in love. Tonight we had a music rehearsal for all the singers/musicians in the show. It's not that I'm just in love with the night's work or the show's progression; it's more so that I am in love with creation, with creativity, and manifesting vision.

It has been difficult to have been going through a grieving process during this production. I have had to move forward from the man I love with my whole heart. Some days were much harder than others. But tonight, tonight helped me realize the love that is in me; the love that flows through me...how my heart sings, how my passion for life and creativity make the little hairs on my neck stand at just the right moment. And how co-creating this depth with others is the thing that inspires people to greatness; is what songs are written about, and why people have fits of rage and passion. It's being alive. Fully alive. In the moment. The present. And that is a gift. It is truly a gift.

The above is an Adinkra symbol from West Africa called the ODO NNYEW FIE KWAN; it means "Love never loses its way home."

31 Days 'til Curtain...

One month. Yeah, it's hit me. The good news is that the cast is in a good place, we just have to work on blocking this weekend. the postcards are running late, but I can get a few posters printed. I have a few meetings today; with Lara and Debera. Recorded a radio show with JR on KPFA yesterday, that should air in a couple of weeks. Have to get the sound recordings/music together, working on that. I'm okay, it's okay. We're okay. Now that that's settled...lol, we can move on.

I just checked the tracking on the postcards; they should be delivered today. I'll be able to give them out to folks to go crazy with by tomorrow. I'm taking good care of myself (yay for me!); plenty of rest and been drinking aloe vera juice--which I now swear by. Definitely could use a housekeeper/cook at this point...

36 Days 'til Curtain...

Tonight was the night; the night I worried about, the night that has been keeping me up--the night that I have to look at it...the Roman-Daja scene. I knew I had to get through it, and be the director for the cast. I knew I had to get it right, and run it more than once.

Was it easy? Not all the way. But, I am so blessed with this cast; these beautiful people that walk with me, that trust me, that go there with me--it makes it easier. I'm not by myself. It didn't matter that I unexpectedly saw a huge picture of my violator today of all days. It didn't haunt me, it didn't stop me. I did it. I got through it. I did it! I am so grateful because I do have the best possible Roman I can have. I have a big-hearted, loving man playing Roman. And I need that. The cast needs that. He was worth the wait.

Different from other rehearsal closings, we did something I picked up from Grassroots Aspen Experience; with a man that I admire and respect dearly, Derek Canty. There's an inner circle and an outer circle, and the people thank each other using only their eyes. I couldn't figure out the circle thing...lol, but we did it. I needed to thank everyone tonight for their work and presence. I don't think any of them know what it means to me. What this journey has been, how much of my life Firstborn has consumed. And now, the work, the words, the love is manifesting. Ashe...

37 Days 'til curtain...

5 weeks. 5 weeks. Wow. Time flew. Last night was really good, I got to sleep almost the whole night through; which is HUGE. I normally wake up around 3am and can't fall back asleep for at least an hour, some times more. I did wake up, but was able to turn over and go back to sleep in about 10-12 minutes.

Also, yesterday was the first day in about four months that I was able to walk slowly without limping. This is really big too, because it has been very challenging and embarrassing to have a limp. And with that said, I am also glad that I can walk--in general.

Last night's rehearsal I got to look at what my idea for the family feeling each other without knowing will look like. I definitely think the idea will transfer with the right lighting. We also have our lighting person on board, Debera McKee, who is also building the set.

The tickets are on their way, as are the postcards. We received a few donations, and tickets are selling online; and I will love it as even more do. I meet with Thandiwe tonight to go over set-design and props. The singers and vocal coach are working on their songs. The actors' other shows have subsided. We are a featured project on the indiegogo home page; and yesterday they featured us on their twitter page. All together, this is probably why I was able to sleep, lol. Seriously.

There are a few loose ends that still need to be tied up; cast has to be off book in ten days, songs have to be down pat and I have to get some order with the timeliness of some cast members.

All in all, it's moving along. We have a great support staff working on this project, and I am truly grateful.

40 Days 'til Curtain...

The last few days have been intense emotionally. We begin Act II this week, and just like when Firstborn was a screenplay, there's a moment in the story that is difficult for me personally. Having to look at anyone being groomed for violation is a challenge. And having actually been through it is another thing.

When I think about the man who violated me and I get so angry about it, there's another thing there; there's the deep love and trust that I had extended to him. Mind you I was a child, but it's the betrayal that I didn't see coming that hurts.

Then, on top of that, as I share my story with others I find out this horrific number of people who have endured something similar. I hear about all these violators who have been violated themselves; and some days it's all too much. It gets muddy and confusing because we all need so much healing and love. We need to be protected, our children need to be protected.

I look at this society and become disgusted with the consent and expectation of exploitation; rich exploit the poor, predators exploit the innocent, those in positions of power exploit the unorganized. I hear so many times that "That's the way it goes..."

But what if it could be different? What if we could do something different? What if we all worked towards something better? More loving, more humane? It's worth it. It's worth it to love, to heal, to become the best people that we can possibly be.

42 Days 'til Curtain...

That number just keeps getting smaller and smaller. Today I got a lot of rest. I took a nap, ate, and really just rested. I needed to. A lot. I'll make some tea later and relax some more.

Last night we got through Act I. Went through it a couple of times. The cast is really beginning to own their characters and develop interesting nuances. This next week is beginning Act II. Act II has a lot more of the drama and intensity. There has been a natural build up, and now we all have to ratchet it up a notch. I have to hold the space for the drama, take care of myself and ensure that I balance intensity and light-heartedness in between it all. Plus my dreams have been crazy, and intense. I think the show itself triggers things; but more importantly, I am proud of how things are going.

Our fan base is growing, our materials are getting done. We have so much support from folks, it's amazing to see it all come together. I am deeply grateful for it...deeply.

45 days 'til Curtain...

I love to create. I love to make things. I love art direction, making props, little things. I love creating the environment, the texture. Little projects make my heart sing. Sewing the pregnancy pillows is so fun, I mean I know in general someone else should do it; there's just a certain amount of "hands-on" that I love to have. I love to infuse love into all the details, all the little parts of my work; especially with Firstborn.

These are the Firstborn Album Covers that I made yesterday, I love looking at them. The photos are by Klara Grunning-Harris, our producer and Mike Padua. I love thinking of the music Eli and Audrey made, I love thinking of those moments of inspiration and wonderful execution that made their hearts sing, made their souls smile. I love being a part of that, and creating little things that add to that love, that connection, that place of serenity and endearment.

It adds those little layers into my own life...

47 days 'til Curtain...

One thing I appreciate about where I am now; meaning about getting older and maturing, is that I deal with things much differently than I did when I was younger. I understand INTENTION--particularly my intention so much more; and that intention is a blueprint for actions (not just for paving the road to hell...lol).

When I was younger, I left "caution in the wind" - I think that is how the saying goes. The "chips would fall where they may" more, if you know what I mean. Now, I understand that whether or not I have a lot of experience as a director isn't the hugest thing. The bigger/larger thing is what kind of experience do I want, and what do I want for my cast and crew; what do they want? These things together will create the collective experience of FIRSTBORN.

I had all these notions of what a director should be in my mind; this unreasonable, manicky, emotionally-abusive person who was leading a team into "greatness". We've all seen it on TV, or the movies, or live in person as I have. But I know that that isn't the experience that I want to have or provide. I want my cast and crew to have a beneficial growth period, full of creativity and imagination. That is important to me.

Photo: Derric Brock (AMIR), LaToya Johns (DAJA), and Tatiana Monet (NIKA) warming up. (c) 2010 Mike Padua

50 days 'til Curtain...

Great communication...the final frontier. These are the voyages of the USS Firstborn...

I think some of this journey is about seeing my own growth as a person and communicator. There was a time when my communication skills were absolutely HORRIBLE and I definitely needed some development in that area. And while we all have room to improve, I appreciate the fact that I can say what I need and what doesn't work for me, etc. Some people innately have great boundaries and some people have had to work on it. (Guess which one I am...lol)

Last night we had another rehearsal. This time with Roman, Claudine, Daja and Rachelle. I love watching them play around and just seeing all the things they come up with. They all add a depth to the characters that furthers the initial vision that I had for them.

Tonight we take some photos, our photographer, Mike Padua, is going to come through. He really took some great photos of Audrey and Daja last time, so I am excited to see what tonight will be. I also meet with Thandiwe and Debera (Set Design and Construction, respectively) tonight. The vision that Thandiwe has for the set seems very simple and doable. So that is exciting as well.

We are definitely getting closer to our Curtain and there still is a lot to do in terms of promotions, materials and ticket sales. I am deeply grateful for all the support that the project has...it really makes a difference. And now, breakfast...

51 days 'til curtain...

Tonight was our first script-based rehearsal. Hearing the words and watching the cast interplay is so fascinating to me. Each day I work with the cast, it becomes clearer and clearer what a Director does. They facilitate tempo, timing, connection; they create the environment FOR the actors to work well. If you can create a creative safe space, then it will come.

I also have such a better understanding about what my directing mistakes were in the past; especially with the last piece I directed. With each project I want to make progress as a facilitator, as a visionary. Learning to relax the hypercritical need I have for perfection; opening my heart and spirit to divine play. To trust, like in nature, when seeds have the right amount of warmth, water and soil, they grow.

Firstborn saved me. It saved me from a spiritual death. It saved me from a life of bitterness. It taught me to love and open my heart; taught me compassion, and that the love I've needed has always been around me. It's mirrored my personal life; it's given me courage in my personal life. So to be able to give something back to this project means a great deal to me. To give it life and put it on the stage is just the beginning.

52 Days 'til curtain...

It's funny, I find myself missing the cast already. I miss working with them. We start our script-based rehearsals tomorrow; although it'll still be a mix of exercises and script work. The biggest thing is learning everyone's style--who responds to what the best. My goal is to be a great "coach" director; to mine and refine the innate talent that the cast already has. I have learned sooo much about casting this time; and with the cast that I have, I can see why it is so important now.

I had a good meeting with Marta, the Costume Designer today. We went over the wardrobe for most of the characters. I love envisioning how they will all look on stage in their colors and shifts. Thandiwe and I also went over the basic design for the set and will meet with the set construction person on Thursday. I do believe I lost my Lighting designer, and am still looking for a sound technician.

But, other than that, it's going well. The meeting with Lara, the graphic designer went well, she'll have some rough drafts for the poster soon. Alisha(Audrey) is meeting with Dana (the pianist doing some tracks for us) tonight to get the song in the right key for her. And I, I am thirsty. I really need to make sure I have a water bottle with me. I did tell the cast to make sure they take care of themselves...

53 days 'til Curtain...

Last night was one of those nights where I was again shown the synchronicity of the Universe. Here I am, minding my own business--prepping for the show. I go to what I affectionately call the "Monkey Tea House" (L'Amyx) on Lakeshore. They are having an open mic, but I think it'll be okay. Of course, it's too loud.

I see a couple of people I know, greet them, talk for a while. I see this woman I met before, Erica Huggins. She's a teacher here in the Bay Area, and was a part of the Panther Party. I say hello to her, remind her of how we met, and invite her to the show. She has a young woman come over, and wants me to tell her about the show. I tell her, of course, and find out the young woman has also been violated by a minister.

We talked for a while, a long while. It was such a trip, because I remembered being EXACTLY where she was when I was that age--just 21. I remember all the confusion, all the shame and guilt, feeling responsible for it all. I remember needing to do something different, but not knowing what or where to start. I know I don't have all the answers for what to do/not do on your journey; but I do know that all of it begins with one step. I know that there is a time when all you can do is focus on the step you're taking instead of the overall journey. I know that choosing to heal and love freely is the best choice I've ever made for myself; even though it hasn't always been easy or fun--it's always been worth it. I was grateful in that moment for growth, for my choices, for deciding to write, for staying alive, and for bearing witness to truth.

I continue to be grateful as I move into the first week of rehearsals.

55 Days 'til Curtain...

Yesterday was really fun. Nika and Amir's bonding is very different from Roman and Claudine's because they are a couple at a different time in their lives. Although both Nika and Claudine come from troubled childhoods that both men are a critical part of moving them out of; Nika and Amir are embarking on the future with hope and a vision for the future, while Claudine is reflecting on what used to be with Roman and how things got where they are now.

All that to say that Amir and Nika's bonding gets to be more playful, youthful; things that young folks do. Movies, Ice Cream, Pizza, lots of joking around. So that was a nice break from some of the heaviness of Roman and Claudine's bonding--but I wouldn't like it if there wasn't that intensity either.

So we went for dinner, then they went to see Valentine's Day. After that Nika tried on some clothes at Pea in a Pod. It was interesting to watch their dynamics; how she really helps Amir not take himself so seriously, and how he helps her feel secure with his focus on the future. They went to the jeweler to look at rings, him more interested in a nice band than her. Very sweet. Next week, we get into the rehearsals...this weekend prepping and resting.

56 Days 'til Curtain

So here was my chinese horoscope yesterday: Tiffany, A spiritual insight comes to you with great power, and it brings a burden of responsibility for leadership. Others will be looking to you for inspiration or guidance, and you need to walk a fine line between "teacher" and "guru". Make them be responsible for their own choices.

At first I was like, "hmm, interesting." Last night's bonding session with Roman and Claudine was really intense and powerful for me. I have been wanting to work on their complexity as individuals and as a couple. What I find is, just as hard as it was for me to write Roman; it is hard for someone to play Roman. I don't know why I thought whomever I cast wouldn't really struggle with the character.

When I talked to Andre, and he disclosed that he was having issues with it, it reminded me of how painful and hardcore it was to write Roman--make him real, and human. I wrestled with that for years, battled with him; sometimes he was so much more powerful than I was, I feared him for such a long time. I had to find a way inside him--not to agree with his actions, or justify them; but to understand him and his role in the story. It took years for me to realize that Roman was a paper tiger. That he looked scary, and when I got up close, it wasn't the boogey man I thought it was.

So I do have a responsibility to my cast; to facilitate a performance that is honest and real, and is balanced. I guess I just realized last night the work that is REALLY ahead of me. I'm just thankful that I am so ready for it...

58 days 'til Curtain

Tonight was inspiring. We had our basic script read and introductions. All of the casting choices made sense when I heard it all together. Their voices together made something tangible and meaningful. Each cast member gave something unique and very specific that the story needed.

The inspiration to unearth the gems inside each character is so intense for me right now. The rest of the week is some bonding sessions with Nika/Amir and Roman/Claudine; which I definitely am looking forward to.

Sunday I meet with Lara to talk about designing the posters for the show. Have a few PR things to do as well. But tonight it became very clear to me: I NEED AN ASSISTANT.

59 Days 'til Curtain...

That number just keeps getting smaller and smaller. Oh, but the good news first... we have a Roman, ladies and gentlemen!! I am pleased with my casting choices. One thing, is even though I had seen quite a few actors for Roman, some were very talented, but just weren't Roman. Some were OBVIOUSLY not a fit for this show, but not a fit for acting full-time. It was brutal. But, I'm grateful we have our man. Now comes the fun part, rehearsals!

I am very excited to see what the principals bring to the table, what we can unearth together and learn about the characters from play.

Tomorrow we have our read, some more character bonding this week, then rehearsals next week.

Oh, the photo is one of my favorite pictures our photographer, Mike Padua took last week of characters Audrey and Daja (Alisha Hampton and LaToya Johns, respectively).

64 Days 'til Curtain

So I just got home from the family pre-rehearsal #2. What I can say that I totally agree with William Ball (author of Sense of Direction) about is casting correctly is 80% of the work.

I will admit, I have miscast things in the past, mainly because I didn't really have a clue as to what it TRULY was about, or how to mine from an actor what I REALLY needed. We are all growing here, so as long as we are learning our body of work matures.

For the last couple of nights, I've been having the family grow, giving them scenarios to be fully in character, notes here and there. I'm watching them bond, grow, listen to one another and it is so meaningful to observe it. I know what they are doing is very challenging. Acting, or channeling rather, requires such a vulnerability and honesty. Acting is not easy, otherwise I'da had a doggone Roman by now...lol.

The first night was just a family dinner. Setting up the dynamics, the subtext in each relationship. Tonight we had a surprise birthday party for Daja. Cake, ice cream, balloons, streamers, the whole nine. They played Uno, Bingo, and tonight was the night Audrey found out she had cancer again. They tell the girls at tomorrow's session. It's so awesome to develop them this way, especially with talent who fully immerse themselves.

I love it. Tomorrow's gonna be flippin' awesome.

75 days 'til Curtain...

Under 100 days...it's exciting. So far, I have most of the cast in place, and am pleased. It was a really tough call with the Nika character, we had two really good performers to choose from. We're still looking for a Roman now, we had a really good one who wasn't able to commit to the schedule. So I have a couple of auditions this week. It's really exciting.

Next week, we start music rehearsals with our singing cast. The Audrey, Nika and Daja characters all have songs--although it is not a musical. Our Claudine is also a exceptional vocalist.

One thing I find interesting is the reaction to Roman's character. His character isn't an angel, but it isn't my vision to create to create some "Ike Turner" type character. Roman, although I do not agree with what he does, is human--has flaws...and still is a whole person. I think that is when you end up with nuances in characters that are easy to judge as bad. No doubt he does things that we consider bad, but I as a director cannot perceive him as a bad man. Both the actor and I have to see the humanity in his character to give and direct a meaningful performance. And that is one of the most important things with this piece...the humanity of the characters.

90 days 'til curtain...

AUDITIONS AUDITIONS AUDITIONS!!!

Oh, there is something that I love about the audition phase. I love seeing different people's interpretations of the work, and sometimes seeing how they just butcher it...yikes!! We had some great auditions last week, well...there was the good, the bad, and the ugly...lol, but I feel so honored to be a part of this process, to see things going to the next level in this work.

This weekend, who knows what to anticipate, but I will be there with bells on. I enjoy the play of auditions, trying things with people in new ways, because there's absolutely nothing to lose. I also respect how much courage it takes to stand in front of someone and pour your heart out. It takes so much to do that. I love to be a part of this process.

104 days 'til curtain

1st day of the new year...so exciting. now it's really real. the show opens in a little over four months. auditions begin next weekend...and the song, i've been working on it all morning. the lyrics have been just flowing, so grateful. i'm really excited to see how it turns out, especially when we have some real singers singing the scratch track. it's gonna be so moving and lovely. it really is capturing the emotion and love that i feel the family has for one another. now onto breaking down the script...