16 Days 'til curtain...

Two weeks...had a small meltdown yesterday. Called my Dad, we talked for a little bit. I melted because my brother wrote an article on facebook about my aunt, Barbara Jean. She was the most beautiful, loving person. She had a way of making everyone feel special; and really held the family together. He wrote this beautiful essay about his memory of her and Celine Dion's song "Because You Loved Me". All the family members who read it left notes of crying wherever they were.

Anyway, I thought about her and my uncle, Harry Benjamin and my aunt Bonnie Benjamin. I thought how I wouldn't be able to invite any of these people I love to my show. I thought about how much they supported me being an artist and different from the beginning. And, yes I know they will be there in spirit; but yesterday, it just hit me that I won't see them in the audience and I just started crying.

So I called my Dad, and was crying and trying to talk about it; probably sounding like a whining version of the Charlie Brown adults. But he talked to me and I took some breaths. It's interesting what makes you miss the people you lose. It's also important to have this work mean something to their memories.

I hope Uncle Harry, Aunt Bonnie and Aunt Bobbie know how much I love and miss them.

18 Days 'til Curtain...

(deep sigh)...I love Spring. I love the newness it brings. I love to know the winter's over. The winter is important; and it's difficult most times, so it's always a great thing for me when it's over.

I have a lot of things going on today; prepping for this week's rehearsals, sending off the ad for the East Bay Express, and making sure all the sound stuff is taken care of. Do some more recording tomorrow, check in with places for our radio shows.

There's a lot of things that are done. The biggest thing now is keeping all our costs down. I have to send the cast their links to their comp tickets...I struck a good balance between work and rest this weekend. I am feeling better physically, so that is immensely helpful. I even cooked and cleaned over the weekend! Man, I am doin' big thangs!! (lol) Next week are our tech rehearsals. Feeling good. Feeling good.

22 Days 'til Curtain...

Tonight's rehearsal was disappointing, but still productive. Two key cast members were out tonight. One was just a no-show and the other got stranded out of town. I did appreciate the call; it was early enough to make adjustments, but then after the other actor didn't show, there was only so much we could do.

The good thing is that we got the recordings done for the most part. Two recordings I needed to do: the answering machine stuff, and the voice montage that Audrey has. We also needed to do the family recordings, but that will have to be done in two parts. The Audrey stuff came out great. Our producer, Klara let me use her laptop with garage band on it. It's been difficult to get the cast all together to do it, so I had to cancel some studio time; so thank goodness for Garage Band.

My next tasks are getting the word out, loose ends, sending out the VIP tickets to the some long time supporters and clean the kitchen and the living room. Oh, the life of an artist...

23 Days 'til Curtain...

Tonight was so exciting! Firstly, I get so moved when the family has their critical scenes together. The chemistry between Eli and Nika is really intense and amazing. I loved watching them work tonight. In the story, they are just two people who can be so much alike that they get on each other's last nerve. So I like seeing that dynamic play out.

We also had the fight choreography tonight. Exciting! Thandiwe is doing such a great job with the cast on their falls and tussling. When it all played out today, it was like "wow!" A couple of times I got so nervous because it all seemed so real. Tomorrow we work on some more powerful, emotional family scenes.

Everyday I wake up I realize how much I love what I am doing. Everyday I give thanks for being able to do what I love. Everyday I give thanks for having an awesome team of people who help me realize this vision. Ashe

24 Days 'til Curtain...

Little over three weeks. Man, it's getting really close. Good rehearsal tonight, we are going through the 3rd Act now. Everyday it's an adventure in seeing what the cast will bring to the table and what their process is individually.

Sometimes the cast gets the giggles. Sometimes I get peeved by it, but for the most part I remember the giggles. I just send them out if they get too giggly. They played well today during the warm up until a cast member got hurt. I felt like a mother who left her kids unsupervised to have a "grown up" conversation (with Wardrobe). I felt so bad...I definitely can't have anyone getting hurt.

Tomorrow we get into some of the resolution scenes. I think it's gonna be really fun. Thandiwe is choreographing the fight scenes. We went over that last night. I'm really excited about that. I'll be happier when we have a few more ticket sales. But folks are really excited, hell I'm really excited!

27 days 'til Curtain...

Long day today. Good day, but long. Today was the first day the cast was off book. I felt prepared for it; mainly because in his book, "A Sense of Direction", William Ball lets new Directors know which days are going to be a little discombobulated--the first day off of book, and the first tech rehearsal.

Even still, the cast did some great work. Very proud. I felt a tad bit scattered, but I think as I relinquish my need to have my hands in EVERY SINGLE THING, even that will get better. For instance, while I do need to make sure the cast/crew is fed; delegation is more in order. I'm getting better at it. I know it's mainly because I want my people to be taken care of, and I want them to know how much I appreciate them.

We went through some basic blocking; and we are just a little under four weeks away from our opening, so there is a good amount of room for them to get more familiar with things. Tuesday we begin the 3rd Act. I feel like we've gotten very far and things are going to go into hyperdrive (in a calm way) over the next few weeks, getting everything together. It's mainly the loose ends.

The next things we have to do are: finish wardrobe, get the recordings done, put together the soundscape, build the set, promote our asses off, and get some rest :)

29 Days 'til Curtain...

Tonight hit me. We were rehearsing the second act, and it's like I didn't prepare myself for the Roman/Daja scene; or even just brushed it off, and when it happened I almost broke into tears. For that small minute, it was all too much.

I had talked about the scene with both Andre (Roman) and LaToya (Daja) both last night and before tonight's rehearsal; but something was a big deal tonight. I held it together and pushed through. When the work created is even loosely based on your life, it still has these moments of ringing truth that I just have to sit with sometimes. I have to move past the "Should I even do this?" and "What if I tell it?" mind mazes that get me caught up sometimes. I turned to the work. I had to listen to what the work itself is calling for, and made that the focus instead of how the moment was affecting me. We worked on some different choices with both characters and I really like what they brought to the scene.

All of it has been a lot of work. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. Mainly because I need to do this. This work needs to be out in the world; it needs to be told. I need to tell it. I want to tell it.

I got a chance to see some of the footage from last night's behind-the-scene recording; I smile when I see the cast working so hard and improving. It's a good feeling. This Saturday, we go over the 1st and 2nd Acts. Tomorrow, I'll be relatively low-key and prepare for Saturday.

30 Days 'til Curtain...

I am in love. Deeply and fully in love. Tonight we had a music rehearsal for all the singers/musicians in the show. It's not that I'm just in love with the night's work or the show's progression; it's more so that I am in love with creation, with creativity, and manifesting vision.

It has been difficult to have been going through a grieving process during this production. I have had to move forward from the man I love with my whole heart. Some days were much harder than others. But tonight, tonight helped me realize the love that is in me; the love that flows through me...how my heart sings, how my passion for life and creativity make the little hairs on my neck stand at just the right moment. And how co-creating this depth with others is the thing that inspires people to greatness; is what songs are written about, and why people have fits of rage and passion. It's being alive. Fully alive. In the moment. The present. And that is a gift. It is truly a gift.

The above is an Adinkra symbol from West Africa called the ODO NNYEW FIE KWAN; it means "Love never loses its way home."

31 Days 'til Curtain...

One month. Yeah, it's hit me. The good news is that the cast is in a good place, we just have to work on blocking this weekend. the postcards are running late, but I can get a few posters printed. I have a few meetings today; with Lara and Debera. Recorded a radio show with JR on KPFA yesterday, that should air in a couple of weeks. Have to get the sound recordings/music together, working on that. I'm okay, it's okay. We're okay. Now that that's settled...lol, we can move on.

I just checked the tracking on the postcards; they should be delivered today. I'll be able to give them out to folks to go crazy with by tomorrow. I'm taking good care of myself (yay for me!); plenty of rest and been drinking aloe vera juice--which I now swear by. Definitely could use a housekeeper/cook at this point...

36 Days 'til Curtain...

Tonight was the night; the night I worried about, the night that has been keeping me up--the night that I have to look at it...the Roman-Daja scene. I knew I had to get through it, and be the director for the cast. I knew I had to get it right, and run it more than once.

Was it easy? Not all the way. But, I am so blessed with this cast; these beautiful people that walk with me, that trust me, that go there with me--it makes it easier. I'm not by myself. It didn't matter that I unexpectedly saw a huge picture of my violator today of all days. It didn't haunt me, it didn't stop me. I did it. I got through it. I did it! I am so grateful because I do have the best possible Roman I can have. I have a big-hearted, loving man playing Roman. And I need that. The cast needs that. He was worth the wait.

Different from other rehearsal closings, we did something I picked up from Grassroots Aspen Experience; with a man that I admire and respect dearly, Derek Canty. There's an inner circle and an outer circle, and the people thank each other using only their eyes. I couldn't figure out the circle thing...lol, but we did it. I needed to thank everyone tonight for their work and presence. I don't think any of them know what it means to me. What this journey has been, how much of my life Firstborn has consumed. And now, the work, the words, the love is manifesting. Ashe...

37 Days 'til curtain...

5 weeks. 5 weeks. Wow. Time flew. Last night was really good, I got to sleep almost the whole night through; which is HUGE. I normally wake up around 3am and can't fall back asleep for at least an hour, some times more. I did wake up, but was able to turn over and go back to sleep in about 10-12 minutes.

Also, yesterday was the first day in about four months that I was able to walk slowly without limping. This is really big too, because it has been very challenging and embarrassing to have a limp. And with that said, I am also glad that I can walk--in general.

Last night's rehearsal I got to look at what my idea for the family feeling each other without knowing will look like. I definitely think the idea will transfer with the right lighting. We also have our lighting person on board, Debera McKee, who is also building the set.

The tickets are on their way, as are the postcards. We received a few donations, and tickets are selling online; and I will love it as even more do. I meet with Thandiwe tonight to go over set-design and props. The singers and vocal coach are working on their songs. The actors' other shows have subsided. We are a featured project on the indiegogo home page; and yesterday they featured us on their twitter page. All together, this is probably why I was able to sleep, lol. Seriously.

There are a few loose ends that still need to be tied up; cast has to be off book in ten days, songs have to be down pat and I have to get some order with the timeliness of some cast members.

All in all, it's moving along. We have a great support staff working on this project, and I am truly grateful.

40 Days 'til Curtain...

The last few days have been intense emotionally. We begin Act II this week, and just like when Firstborn was a screenplay, there's a moment in the story that is difficult for me personally. Having to look at anyone being groomed for violation is a challenge. And having actually been through it is another thing.

When I think about the man who violated me and I get so angry about it, there's another thing there; there's the deep love and trust that I had extended to him. Mind you I was a child, but it's the betrayal that I didn't see coming that hurts.

Then, on top of that, as I share my story with others I find out this horrific number of people who have endured something similar. I hear about all these violators who have been violated themselves; and some days it's all too much. It gets muddy and confusing because we all need so much healing and love. We need to be protected, our children need to be protected.

I look at this society and become disgusted with the consent and expectation of exploitation; rich exploit the poor, predators exploit the innocent, those in positions of power exploit the unorganized. I hear so many times that "That's the way it goes..."

But what if it could be different? What if we could do something different? What if we all worked towards something better? More loving, more humane? It's worth it. It's worth it to love, to heal, to become the best people that we can possibly be.

42 Days 'til Curtain...

That number just keeps getting smaller and smaller. Today I got a lot of rest. I took a nap, ate, and really just rested. I needed to. A lot. I'll make some tea later and relax some more.

Last night we got through Act I. Went through it a couple of times. The cast is really beginning to own their characters and develop interesting nuances. This next week is beginning Act II. Act II has a lot more of the drama and intensity. There has been a natural build up, and now we all have to ratchet it up a notch. I have to hold the space for the drama, take care of myself and ensure that I balance intensity and light-heartedness in between it all. Plus my dreams have been crazy, and intense. I think the show itself triggers things; but more importantly, I am proud of how things are going.

Our fan base is growing, our materials are getting done. We have so much support from folks, it's amazing to see it all come together. I am deeply grateful for it...deeply.

45 days 'til Curtain...

I love to create. I love to make things. I love art direction, making props, little things. I love creating the environment, the texture. Little projects make my heart sing. Sewing the pregnancy pillows is so fun, I mean I know in general someone else should do it; there's just a certain amount of "hands-on" that I love to have. I love to infuse love into all the details, all the little parts of my work; especially with Firstborn.

These are the Firstborn Album Covers that I made yesterday, I love looking at them. The photos are by Klara Grunning-Harris, our producer and Mike Padua. I love thinking of the music Eli and Audrey made, I love thinking of those moments of inspiration and wonderful execution that made their hearts sing, made their souls smile. I love being a part of that, and creating little things that add to that love, that connection, that place of serenity and endearment.

It adds those little layers into my own life...